If there are any issues that you and your partner need to talk about, in most cases we advise diving into those before sex. Talking can help you clear any emotions or difficulty that can preoccupy you during sexual activity.

it's also true that your emotions play a big part in helping you feel connected to your partner. For instance, if you are holding on to any resentment, fear, or silent anger, these can shut down your sense of desire. When we engage in sex from this state of mind, it often results in what we call surface sex—where your bodies come together on the

Practice completely, fully receiving, without any pressures to give back. Be playful in this encounter, and be comfortable that this session is just for you. When it's your partner's turn to be the receiver, practice giving fully. Listen to your partner's body with all of your senses.

One way to be creative and playful is to practice exclusive giving and exclusive receiving. This is initially an uncomfortable challenge for some couples, especially if one of you is used to being the giver and the other the receiver.

Some people think sex should be serious all the time, so they maintain a certain mood, but being creative and playful are simply more colors in your rainbow of sexual passion and joy.

Practice is a good place to bring in what we talked about earlier in this chapter: creativity, curiosity, and play. Don't be afraid to be creative and playful here, setting aside any domestications that may prevent you from trying new things because of old tapes or ideas.

Reviewing this material might make you feel uncomfortable or even “dirty.” If you experience any of that on this journey, remind yourself that this is a voice of domestication, and see if you can heal yourself from it.

Ask questions of yourself and your partner, using “how” questions to open up discussion. Give feedback. Create an atmosphere of curious exploration.

When it comes to sex, we encourage you to never take the position of an expert, but rather maintain the mind-set of beginner instead. Approach it as something you can always learn more about, and be willing to try new positions, roles, and techniques.