like: “that’s ridiculous!”; “no”; “that is so stupid”; “you’re stupid”; “you’re making no sense”; “be logical”; “shut up!”; “stop talking”; “you’re an idiot”; “you’re a jerk”;

but we discovered that even in happy, stable relationships, when one person gets angry and hostile, the other person reciprocates in kind. It is the escalation of negativity, marked particularly by criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that predicts divorce. We found that couples who escalated conflict divorced an average of about

The failure of men to accept influence from their women.

In negative sentiment override, observers would say that a message was sent in a neutral or even positive way, but the partner sees it as negative. (Hence, negative sentiment overrides positive interaction.) In positive sentiment override, even messages an outsider would see as negative are not interpreted as particularly negative by the partner,

behavior; they also trained the partners to observe positivity from their spouse.

them, some couples didn’t escalate conflict. They just had little positivity at all during conflict (no affection, shared humor, question asking, active interest, excitement, joy, support, empathy).

connection. In that pattern, one partner ignores the other’s attempts to connect or get the partner’s attention, interest, humor, affection, or support.13

ones. I agree with Charles Darwin that all emotions have adaptive value.9 I also agree with psychologist Haim Ginott,10 who said that all emotions and all wishes are acceptable, but that not all behavior may be acceptable.

often. They tend to say things like “okay,” or “good point,” or “you’re making perfect sense, really,” or “you’re starting to convince me.” This is not compliance; it is lively give and