When empathy isn’t displayed in a relationship, you feel as if you’re unlovable, undeserving, and at fault. Not because of some action that causes you to feel guilty, but because you feel you are defective or flawed in some essential way.

The aim of narcissists is to possess you. You are required to be their unquestioning worshiper and to never criticize or disagree with them.

When you are able to detach, you have the ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and even deep caring, without emotional devastation, rescuing, or controlling.

Truly, the most intimate relationship we form is not with another human being; it’s with our comfort zone.

Narcissists create a web of seduction, intimidation, and control. Partners of narcissists often describe to me the feeling of being under a spell, trapped in their inability to leave and their reluctance to stay.

Self-pity connotes victimization and martyrdom, and even though you may indeed feel victimized, this attitude will prevent you from taking action and will inevitably drive people away.

But it’s not your blood that a narcissist wants—it’s your emotional energy and your individuality.

In fact, some would say that self-pity is really “anger in a party dress.”

And just as vampires cringe when they’re in the presence of crosses or holy water, narcissists recoil at ordinary adult experiences such as boredom, uncertainty, accountability, and, most of all, having to give as well as receive. (Bernstein, 2002)