The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

But different is simple. Like the easiest way to explain black is to call it the opposite of white, often the first thing we know about ourselves is not what we are—it’s what we aren’t. We mark ourselves as not-this or not-that, the way Ian was quick to say he didn’t want to sit at the same desk all day. But self-definition cannot end there. An ide

I saw that bigness came from investing in what I had, from taking part in what was in front of me.

while we were busy making sure we didn’t miss out on anything, we were setting ourselves up to miss out on some of the most important things of all.

Identity capital is our stock of personal assets. It is how we add value to who we are, and it is what we have to show for how we have spent our time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, or the things we do well enough or long enough that they become a part of who we are. Rather than coming from that “lightning bolt of intuition” Helen

Many of these things are incompatible and, as research is just starting to show, simply harder to do all at the same time in our thirties.

Working toward our potential becomes what psychoanalyst and developmental theorist Karen Horney called “a search for glory” when, somehow, we learn more about what is ideal than about what is real.

the fact that I never felt like I was better than those around me, and that I was just focused on learning and getting results, is what has led me to better and better things at my company.

Not knowing what you want to do with your life—or not at least having some ideas about what to do next—is a defense against that terror. It is a reluctance to admit that the possibilities are not endless. It is a way of pretending there is nothing you can do to improve your situation. It is a resistance against accepting that there are no right ans

But some underemployment doesn’t pay off. Sometimes it is just a way to pretend we aren’t working,

A more expansive sense of interconnectedness rests not on texting best friends at one in the morning, but on reaching out to people that make a difference in our lives even though they don’t have to.