The givers want us to change in some way. We want to know that it’s okay if we don’t.

The other kind of credibility issue that triggers reactions has to do with values and identity. We don’t want to be the kind of leaders—or the kind of people—that they are. So why would we take their coaching? Fair enough. If they’re coaching you on how to deceive your spouse or how to embezzle from the pension fund, by all means, proceed with

The good news is that others aren’t actually spending as much time thinking about you as you might imagine. Most people are simply too obsessed with themselves to be obsessed with you.

The dynamic that Louie and Kim have fallen into is so common that we’ve given it a name: a switchtrack conversation.

so we gather what clues we can.

When you first realize that this Me + You intersection is in fact a Me + Everybody intersection, you might feel a bit disheartened. But there’s good news here, too. Me + Everybody systems can actually be fairly simple to change, because when one of you changes (i.e., you), the whole system improves. And in this case, multiple systems will improve.

Understanding whether we are getting appreciation, coaching, or evaluation is a first step. But even when our purposes are all lined up, feedback can be hard to understand, and is all too easily dismissed. That’s the topic of the next chapter.

The “fix” is to separate intentions from impacts when feedback is discussed.

Sometimes the second track in a switchtrack isn’t out in the open, but runs underground.