Tact, which Léon Wurmser describes as the ability to understand the other person’s nearness to shame,

she believed that, by virtue of her many years in therapy, she possessed greater insight and self-awareness than Eric, who supposedly knew nothing about himself or the destructive ways he behaved. She was superior and enlightened

Is there something specific I would like to accomplish today? Given my other commitments, how much can I realistically expect to get done? • Was there anything I meant to do yesterday that I didn’t complete? Can I continue pursuing it today? • Do I need to reach out to any of my friends or family members, to nurture my important relationships and l

Nicole and Eric’s marriage survived because they both learned to defuse the winner-loser dynamic that characterized their fights and become more authentic with each other.

Avoid, deny, and control—these are the primary strategies people use to mask and mitigate exposure to the pain of shame.

Defending against shame often takes the form of denial, rationalization, and blaming other people while insisting on your own innocence.

people who extensively deny their own shame often express contempt for their partners or family members by giving them the silent treatment.

purposeful behavior • pride in achievement • shared joy

She felt shame for one or more of several reasons: that she (1) had disappointed herself, (2) felt exposed in an unwanted way, (3) found her interest in other people to be unreciprocated, or (4) felt disconnected from her social environment.