Feeling negative

I find myself making a bed of cold water and diving in. It makes me so cold that I feel warmth. The water surrounds me, I’m floating and I feel secure and definite. I am sad and that’s that. What about sadness feels so comforting? Is it the sense of tragedy that provides me with some kind of poetic entertainment? Am I using it like a sedative? I like to stop I’m realise that I’m sad. I feel like its the one time that I can define myself and have no implications for the future. If it ends, that’s fine, the climb is easy. Its unlike the fragility of hope, determination or ecstasy. I can lay in the bed and know that I’m in it.

I think I associate sadness with attention. With having the upper hand. When I’m sad, I feel like a corpse in a casket, with mourners surrounding, unsure of where I am and if I’m okay. And I lay there with all the secrets! They’re standing, leaning, bending down to be at my level, but I am on my back, head on a pillow, comfortable, content and all-knowing.

What can I do about this?

Can I disincentivise myself from being all too willing to accept my sadness? I will split my sadness into another person. Maybe I am both the mourner and the corpse. It hurts to see myself with eyes closed, content in my demise. How can I treat her? I cannot shake her awake, so perhaps I must accept her as she is. Cold and dead. I can’t will some kind of alternate ending to the present situation.

I am trying to understand that this sadness has a function. That this sadness and comfort comes from a chemical reaction of events. The final number slotting into place of the code. It has reasoning, it wants security. Should I make happiness the place of security, or simply accept that neither of them are secure. I will always be sliding back and forth along the spectrum of these emotions.

Why do I feel the need to slap a definition on my emotions? What exactly am I afraid of it I don’t understand and predict how I am feeling? How do I engage with my emotions rather than hold them at a distance, studying and researching like a field analyst. Maybe that’s why I am so obsessed with phenomena and analytics.

Reblog by @rozaelzbietadanecka · 2 images