At their off-site retreat, work-life balance was on the agenda—at 9 P.M. at night, after riding go-carts. The truth was, they would all rather have skipped the go-carts, but they thought they had to do “fun” things to “bond.” Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give your team is to let them go home.

That’s why Colin Powell said leadership is sometimes about being willing to piss people off. When you are overly worried about how people will perceive you, you’re less willing to say what needs to be said. Like Jony, you may feel it’s because you care about the team, but really, in those all-too-human moments you may care too much about how they

The phrase “don’t take it personally” is worse than useless.

How is this person’s poor performance affecting the rest of the team? Peggy’s shortcomings aren’t only your problem. As a manager, it’s your job to make sure you understand everyone else’s perspective, as well, and how her poor performance affects other members of the team.

No person is always an “excellent performer.” They just performed excellently last quarter.

It’s easier to say, “You’re sloppy” than to say, “You’ve been working nights and weekends, and it’s starting to take a toll on your ability to catch mistakes in your logic.” But it’s also far less helpful.

“What could I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me?”

But “caring personally” is integral to building the relationships that drive everything else. The essence of leadership is not getting overwhelmed by circumstances.

It’s a problem because 1) it’s generally inaccurate and 2) it renders an otherwise solvable problem really hard to fix since changing core personality attributes is so very difficult and time-consuming.