I found that in my self loathing, what I was really doing was protecting myself from actual self reflection that I could improve from. The idea that I was a massive idiot, embarrassing loser, failure, was so extreme that it protected me from any honest and constructive thoughts. The fragility of my self loathing was preventing me from looking at... See more

I was walking a confusing line of self loathing but also somehow thinking I was better than those around me, they were just luckier than me. The universe looked kindly on them and not on me. Gave them ample chances and took all mine away. Poor me.

It was a subconscious pity party. I will admit, it was slightly addictive. It feels good in a sort of... See more

I wish I could say the delusional thinking changed my mindset instantly, but in reality it was months of doing things in spite of how I felt. Sitting with a feeling of impending doom, and ignoring how mortified I was. Unless I was consciously thinking of it, I would quickly fall back into self loathing.