Herdwick sheepskin we

I’ve never met working cocker spaniels before, and on these trips, in the company of Zulu, I conclude that they’re exactly the breed for me. Easy-going, affectionate and fizzing with restless energy, they’re also a suitable size to fit under your arm if you need to carry them. And they crave the attention I’m longing to give.

‘When she can no longer eat and is visibly uncomfortable, that is the time,’ Mark tells me. ‘I am on standby for you,’ he reassures me.

You exist without purpose or direction. I can’t feel pleasure or excitement; nothing thrills me or even gives me a sense of anticipation.

My sisters gently cajole me out of the flat now and again. I go to see them for a change of scene. And fleetingly I do feel better. But the relief is temporary. Somehow these transitory moments of happiness make the lows even more crushing.

I’m not hugely sociable – my friends are loyal but few – and I’m happy with my own company as long as Ella is with me.

read ‘What I Learned about Love, I Learned from my Dog’ to her, the same poem that had been read at our wedding. There are lines in it that still spring to my lips: When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently… Delight in the simple joy of a long walk together. Love each other unconditionally.

Dauphinoise, tartiflette, sautéed…

am angry. With everyone and everything. And restlessness leaves me in a constant state of agitation and anxiety. The insomnia is dizzying. It feels as if ten different radio stations are competing for airtime in my head, the din ceaseless and exhausting.