The institution of motherhood in the UK, the US and other European countries is a recent – failing – experiment.

In England, it is easier to travel with a bike than with a baby.

Becoming a mother had also forced me to face an inconvenient truth: that my time on earth was limited, and my time with my baby, and then with my children, had an end point.

Melanie Klein believed ambivalence to be a sign of healthy development in her studies of children. The child, who would once see a ‘good breast’ that nurtures and gratifies it and a ‘bad breast’ that is frustratingly absent when desired, heals the split into one integrated person and comes to see that the mother contains both ‘good’ and ‘bad’.4

This may explain why my husband and I would often spend time in the evening, our limited leisure time if we had it, looking at photos of our baby daughter and why I could repeatedly get up in the night even when dog-tired.

What do playgrounds say to women? They say – ‘You know what, just fuck you!

My children were leading me back to the world of childhood. They demanded new ways of being. Silliness. Cuddles. Repetition. Echoes. Some of it was painful and boring, some of it was magical. Spontaneity and surprise were key attributes of these babies’ employees. They had no time for self-doubt. They were exactly who they wanted to be. They wanted

These women loved their children unconditionally. That didn’t mean they loved motherhood unequivocally.

The birth of my first child, after the maelstrom passed, was a deliverance. It brought me closer to my real self. I have learned how to surrender when I need to. I am learning to live in the rhythm of other lives; I have learned to share my life.