It takes motivation and patience to keep working on behavioral patterns until you can each anticipate your old ways of acting and consciously make yourself behave differently.

In the same way, your companion’s discovery that she or he has the patterns associated with being an adult child of an alcoholic does not mean your partner cannot have other disorders as well. Addictions, major psychiatric illnesses, and personality disorders may be present.

This angry, cold individual tells you that you are selfish or accuses you of being unfaithful or screams, “I never want to see you again!” and you feel like you have been punched in the stomach. You have just experienced the “shock” of the relationship.

Although the expression of chronic tension can vary, partners can help adult children reduce their stress by empathizing, encouraging discussion about their experiences, validating their feelings, and providing a consistent predictable environment. Over time, such efforts may help their partner to recognize and mourn the ambiguous losses they

Adult children do not like spontaneous events because in their unpredictable childhoods, unexpected events were often traumatic. Holidays and special occasions were disappointing times for them as children and continue to be sources of tension and anxiety for them as adults.

Taking a chance by leaving oneself vulnerable in a relationship is like that. It is the unknown and you risk being hurt, but it is the only way to acquire a loving relationship.

Help your partner see that things have changed in his or her life. Encourage your ACOA to count his or her blessings and point out how the present environment differs from his or her childhood home.

Your partner cares enough about you to make her or himself vulnerable by sharing past experiences and exposing the patterns of behavior she or he is repeating in adult life. Hopefully, you will honor the trust that is being placed in you and will be equally open and introspective in return. If you are, you have an opportunity to develop a wonderful

Your partner realizes that her or his relationship problems have not been due to fate, but rather to this unconscious repetition compulsion that has recreated her or his childhood situation.