I told the story on the next episode of The Best Show. People immediately responded to it; perhaps it was the universality of saying something stupid to someone you’re desperate to impress, or maybe people just like hearing about someone royally eating shit. Either way, we’ve all been there before, and I’ve found that sharing these moments is the

It was here that I learned the value of tipping: If you dropped a dollar in the tip cup while placing your order you would be rewarded with a huge plate of the greatest pickles on earth.

have accumulated over the years. I will most likely attempt to settle a few scores with some jerks that have done me wrong, but I will do it with fairness and perspective; I know I carry my share of the responsibility for any relationship or situation that has gone south.

You can’t talk about the thing—you gotta do the thing.

When has being successful been the yardstick for quality?

It’s not an inherently stupid notion to get an autograph. But it most certainly is stupid to attempt to get one DURING THE CONCERT.

For the uninitiated, I have been hosting a call-in radio show for the last twenty years called The Best Show. While most of the callers are real, Jon and I write and perform funny scripted calls within the body of the show. Jon will dial in as any number of beloved creations, like Philly Boy Roy (a lovable Rocky-loving meathead from Philadelphia)

I want to tell you about the first time I went into New York City without parental supervision.

My goal is that upon finishing this book you will have no choice but to rise from your seat and slow clap while looking at the cover, muttering under your breath, “That SOB did it. He really did it!” This is the only reaction I want from every single reader; anything less is a failure. Why would I want such a dynamic reaction? Because it is my