If Mom really didn’t want what was best for me, or do what was best for me, or know what was best for me, that means my entire life, my entire point of view, and my entire identity have been built on a false foundation. And if my entire life and point of view and identity have been built on a false foundation, confronting that false foundation

“What!? Why not?!” Mom veers aggressively. “They said she’s too pretty.” Mom hangs up the phone. There’s no swearing, no screaming, no crying. There’s almost a joy to her. I’m shocked. I’ve never seen Mom be happy I didn’t get a role, ever… but I’ve also never been too pretty for a role, ever. And now I am. I’m too pretty to play a ten-year-old

It’s so annoying, eating-disorder brain.

But I know better than to tell Mom that I got my character inspiration from her erratic and violent behavior. That would only invoke more erratic and violent behavior. I want her calm. I want her steady. I want her happy.

Mom showers me with Scottie sometimes. He’s almost sixteen at this point. I get really embarrassed when she showers us together. I can tell he does too. We usually just look away from each other and Scott distracts himself by drawing Pokémon in the fogged glass. He does a pretty good Charizard. When she showers us together, Mom says it’s because

IT’S STRANGE HOW WE ALWAYS give big news to loved ones in a coma, as if a coma is just a thing that happens from a lack of something to be excited about in your life. Mom is in the ICU at the

THERE’S A LOT OF TALK about big breaks in Hollywood, but so far I haven’t experienced that. Instead, I’ve experienced a bunch of little breaks that trickle in just as I’m almost positive I won’t catch one again. Mom says Hollywood’s like a bad boyfriend. “They keep stringing you along without making any type of formal commitment.”

all special skills that Mom thinks will either give me a leg up for having, or that will lead me to miss an opportunity for not having, like the time I missed out on a Chef Boyardee commercial by not being able to pogo stick. Mom immediately bought a pogo stick from Pic ‘N’ Save and had me practice an hour a day for two weeks until I could get to

apparently it’s good when you’re testing for more than one show at the same time, because your manager can use that as “leverage” to get you the best deal possible. (Mom loves saying the word “leverage” on calls with Susan. She says it makes her sound “in the know.”)