Most of the things I do to hurt myself involve recreating the sharp pain of my childhood to avoid the dull pain of my adulthood.

Last night, after our show, on a rocky beach off the coast of Maine, I dared Jacob to stand with me in the ice-cold water and see which of us could stand it longer. I fixed my eyes on a set point in the horizon and... See more

Psychology has names for this. Repetition. Secondary gain. Familiar distress . The language is accurate but bloodless. It doesn’t capture the aesthetic pleasure of melancholy well-worn, the satisfaction of being able to say this is why I am like this . It doesn’t account for how seductive it can feel to remain loyal to a wound rather than risk a... See more