Robbie had serious cognitive delays and most of his service providers were sure that a behavioral system with simple, concrete rewards and punishments was the only way to help such a child get himself under control.

But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner

Recently I’ve stopped saying, “If you’re good, I’ll . . .” Instead, I say, “Melissa, it would be helpful to me if . . .” And when she does do something helpful, I try to describe it back to her.

“Boy, that sounds like a rough experience. To be subjected to an attack like that in front of other people, especially after having been under so much pressure, must have been pretty hard to take!”

pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.

TO HELP WITH FEELINGS 1. Listen with full attention. 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“Oh” . . . “Mmm” . . . “I see.” 3. Give their feelings a name. 4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

To Engage Cooperation 1. Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem. 2. Give information. 3. Say it with a word. 4. Talk about your feelings. 5. Write a note.

We have to stop thinking of the child as a “problem” that needs correction. We have to give up the idea that because we’re adults we always have the right answer. We have to stop worrying that if we’re not “tough enough” the child will take advantage of us. It requires a great act of faith to believe that if we take the time to sit down and share o

we were two separate people, capable of having two different sets of feelings.