Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally.

comes over to you and asks for the finished piece of work. Quickly you try

But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner

Robbie had serious cognitive delays and most of his service providers were sure that a behavioral system with simple, concrete rewards and punishments was the only way to help such a child get himself under control.

we were two separate people, capable of having two different sets of feelings.

Recently I’ve stopped saying, “If you’re good, I’ll . . .” Instead, I say, “Melissa, it would be helpful to me if . . .” And when she does do something helpful, I try to describe it back to her.

Alternatives to Punishment 1. Point out a way to be helpful. 2. Express strong disapproval (without attacking character). 3. State your expectations. 4. Show the child how to make amends. 5. Offer a choice. 6. Take action. 7. Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.

pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.

To Engage Cooperation 1. Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem. 2. Give information. 3. Say it with a word. 4. Talk about your feelings. 5. Write a note.