inchoate

What is the open secret that everyone around the man sees but from which he himself must be protected? It is the dance of contempt itself, the dynamics of patriarchy as they play out, unacknowledged, inside the man’s skin.

The notion that discomfort needs to be borne is the emotional equivalent of male stoicism in the face of physical pain, exhaustion, or fear. In the traditional arrangement, it is not—as it is often portrayed—that one sex is strong while the other is weak, but rather that each sex is groomed to be strong in its respective domain and each allowed to

remember that historically, woman’s participation in domestic life, both logistical and psychological, has been mandatory; men’s has been discretionary. This is not a criticism; it is a simple statement of fact.

When I am faced with a woman in trouble, my first move is to empower the woman. And when I am faced with a man in trouble, my first move is also most often to empower the woman.

Gottman found that the most reliable predictor of long-term marital success was a pattern in which the wives, in nonoffensive, clear ways, communicated their needs, and husbands willingly altered their behaviors to meet them.

Here is the problem Will and his lover face in this moment: love hurts. Not just in its absence, but equally in the simplicity of its presence. Love acts like a giant magnet that pulls out of us, like iron filings, every recorded injury, every scar. The prospect of deep connection stimulates a visceral recall of each instance of disconnection we

Psychoanalytically oriented therapists look for the causes of such traits within the individual’s character. But relational recovery views “character” as little more than a compendium of internalized relationships.

The problem for women is this: since their expectations for closeness often exceed their partner’s level of skill, or even desire, the chances are good that if a wife does not teach her partner how she wants to be treated, over time she will not like the treatment she receives. On the other hand, if she speaks out, the chances are good that she