Kids think alcohol gives them “balls;” in reality, it only takes away their fear. The brain, however, is fully capable of numbing our feelings of alarm without any assistance from alcohol or other drugs, and will do so if the circumstances are too overwhelming.

The secret of reducing the damage is in the timing of things. We want children to be fulfilled with what they truly need before they have access to that which would spoil their appetite for what they truly need.

Children generally have no idea of their impact on us, the hurts they may have inflicted or the sacrifices we have made on their behalf. Nor should they—at least not until they learn through their own mature reflection what we have done for them.

“Regardless of age,” writes the preeminent U.S. child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan, “youngsters can begin working on developmental levels they have been unable to master, but they can do so only in the context of a close, personal relationship with a devoted adult.”

When we spoil something, we deny it the conditions it requires. For example, we spoil meat by leaving it out of the fridge. The real spoiling of children is not in the indulging of demands or the giving of gifts but in the ignoring of their genuine needs.

There is no shortcut to true independence. The only way to become independent is through being dependent. Resting in the confidence that getting children to be viable as separate beings is not entirely up to us—it is nature’s task—we will be free to get on with our part of the job, which is to invite their dependence.

By placing getting along at the top of the agenda for immature beings, we are really pushing them into patterns of compliance, imitation, and conformity. If the child’s attachment needs are strong and directed toward peers, she may diminish herself to make things work. She will lose her individuality.

During an upset the child is likely to be out of control. Choosing such a moment to correct, direct, or to teach “lessons” is a waste of time. As for us, the inappropriate behavior of our child often catches us by surprise, evoking intense emotional reactions. So our behavior—just like that of our kids—is also more likely to be urgent and

We liberate children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness. Thus the story of maturation is one of paradox: dependence and attachment foster independence and genuine separation.