After growing up again, Alice said, “I believed they loved me. They told me that. But I had big, empty places in me because they neglected me. After I learned to recognize the neglect, I came to accept the love they did give and stopped neglecting myself. Now it is my job not to pass the neglect on to my kids.”

JOHN HOLT author of How Children Fail

Loving is a skill that is learned and practiced.

New rule: I am lovable and I deserve love. I am lovable just the way I am, and I don’t deny my needs or values to please others.

honor commitments;

Children deserve helpful, “even” parenting, and adults deserve to be able to break the chain of uneven parenting, a chain that may be newly forged or that may have been passed down for generations. You can identify your own learnings about even and uneven parenting by doing the exercise on page 275 in the appendix.

Structure helps us function effectively. Since young children cannot provide it for themselves, they must learn about it from adults. Giving structure to infants and very young children means meeting their emotional and physical needs in a consistent way.

When our sense of self becomes too closely linked with our doing, our accomplishments, we shame ourselves inappropriately. Then, when we don't do well or fear that we won't do well, our very being, our very worth feels threatened. No wonder we are tempted to avoid responsibility and hide or quickly throw shame onto others. Think of inappropriate

These children may be terrified to let anyone give them assertive and supportive care. They don't believe they deserve it. In their minds, opening to love and care means giving power to someone who can hurt them, ignore them, or leave them. They believe they have to be in control. In the most serious cases, opening to love and care means