Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children

As adults, they will need to learn to love themselves and others and, through practice, build the muscles of giving and receiving love and concern without expectation of a reward or having to pay back.

Great love can both take hold and let go. O. R. ORAGE

Giving someone the gift of unconditional love doesn't mean always agreeing, or accepting any behavior no matter how hurtful, or accepting substandard performance of tasks, or hiding our anger. It does mean being honest, working through differences, negotiating and renegotiating agreements, holding one another accountable, and staying respectful in

This includes implementing nurture and structure so well that the child, over time, learns to trust the adult not only to be present, but also to be competent.

Humans are born with few skills and have a great variety of needs. One thing children always need is unconditional love. They need it to thrive and grow, to learn to love themselves and others. They need the words and touch and care that say, I love you; you are lovable. We call this essential contribution to children's growth and well-being nurtur

After we have considered the ways children get or don't get loving care, we will consider adults whose lives lacked or lack healthy care and what they can do to heal themselves. Perhaps the child in you needs extra care and support.

We believe that adults of any age can grow and that every day is a good time to rejoice in our being, to celebrate what we do well, and to go about changing any parts of our lives that we want to do better.

Instead of welcoming aid and checking to see if it is freely given, we reject it. We automatically say, “I’m fine, thanks,” or “I’ll be all right,” or “I don’t need any help.” Very serious business! When we throw away nurturing, we filter out the very love we long for, the love that is the foundation of our self-esteem. Some of us decided to cope w

Structure helps us function effectively. Since young children cannot provide it for themselves, they must learn about it from adults. Giving structure to infants and very young children means meeting their emotional and physical needs in a consistent way.