something unexpected occurs—the relationship itself becomes the center.

Experience has taught me that the most effective form of therapy is one that combines both schools of thought.

FOR THE SAKE of clarity, I would like to reduce the discussion in these first five chapters to its simplest form. First of all, we choose our partners for two basic reasons: (1) they have both the

at

You fell in love because your old brain had your partner confused with your parents! Your old brain believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.

hold the key to a long-ago kingdom, and all we have to do is persuade them to unlock the door. Their failure to do so is one of the main reasons for our eventual unhappiness.

On an unconscious level, accepting love from your partner feels too dangerous because it contradicts a parent’s view that you are

Unfortunately, most people experience their first “relationship difficulty” in the first eighteen months of life. Experts in child development call this critical period the “Attachment Stage.” Having a close bond with one or more caregivers is important throughout childhood, but it is essential in those earliest months.

dialogue. (See the Imago Dialogue here