These techniques are simply tools. To use them successfully, humility and goodwill are required. A surgeon can use a scalpel to save someone’s life, but a murderer could use the same scalpel to slit someone’s throat. Your success will depend on the way you use these tools, and your motivation will have a great impact on your success. If you don’t

If that thought were true, what would it mean to me? Why would it be upsetting to me?

We all feel the urge to lash out or fight back when we’re upset, and this is understandable. This urge probably has a genetic basis. Throughout the course of human history, the most aggressive individuals have had the best chance of reproducing, because they were the strongest and most likely to survive. Power and aggression can be sexually

Revenge.

People can be fragile or easily hurt. If the other person gets upset when you express your feelings, back off immediately and switch into the listening mode again using the Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry.

the deficit theory.

the One-Minute Drill

We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about.

We all have far more power than we think to transform trou bled relationships—if we’re willing to stop blaming the other person and focus instead on changing ourselves. The healing can happen far more quickly than you might think. In fact, you can often reverse years of bitterness and mistrust almost instantly—but you’ll have to be willing to work