Positive feedback: the science of criticism that actually works

when we receive criticism, we go through three stages. The first, he said, with apologies for the language, is, "Fuck you." The second is "I suck." And the third is "Let's make it better."

the formula for good feedback includes too many variables: the personality of the recipient, their motivations, whether they believe they are capable of implementing change, the abilities of the manager

When we feel optimistic about feedback, we imagine the kind of insights a good therapist might offer, gentle but piercing appraisals of our strengths and weaknesses, precious gems of knowledge sharp enough to cut through our self-delusions and insecurities. On a deeper level, many of us crave the thrill of being known, of being truly understood.

Much of how we respond to feedback is driven by the nature of our relationship with the person giving it. This is why Kluger believes it's useless to focus on the recipient of feedback alone. The outcome will always depend on the "dyad" --- the sociological term for two people in a particular relationship --- and what transpires between them.

We overestimate the capacity of our colleagues to calibrate their comments to our individual emotional states. We underestimate how bruising it is to hear that we are not meeting expectations, even when the issues are minor. And we can be surprised by critiques that do not line up with our sense of who we are.

One of Scott's fundamental beliefs is that there is nothing kind in keeping quiet about a colleague's weaknesses. She calls this "ruinous empathy". Scott is a two-word-catchphrase-generating machine. While aiming to achieve "radical candour", you need to avoid "manipulative insincerity" and "obnoxious aggression". The key in giving feedback, she wr... See more