Esther Perel — The Erotic Is an Antidote to Death

Eroticism is one of the few forms of play permitted to adults. It occurs in a world parallel to the habitual one; it frees us to adopt new personas; it has a tendency to generate enduring communities whose members are "apart together" even when its excesses have come to an end; and, finally, it is dispensable and therefore indispensable.

Killing our desire out of fear keeps us hungry, irritable, and rooted in shallow soil. We may feel a sense of security, of staying in society’s good graces, but we don’t experience aliveness. We don’t get nourishment, we don’t get hydration. We don’t get great sex, great art, or great poetry. “Great” can only come through when we stop setting our c

separateness—and the fundamental insecurity it engenders—is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship. Instead of always striving for closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves.