A 12-Step Guide to Bullshit Work in the Age of AI

Step 1: Schedule a Meeting to Align on Priorities

Launch with a sync to "get everyone on the same page"—a page nobody reads. Auto-invite 12 people who won't attend. Record everything for "transparency," guaranteeing zero future views.

Step 2: Auto-Transcribe the Meeting

Deploy AI to transform managerial word salad into a transcript that everyone will studiously ignore. Bonus points: extract "action items" vague enough to mean nothing but specific enough to track.

Step 3: Summarize the Transcript into a Slide Deck

Have GPT-Whatever distill 45 minutes of circular conversation into 15 slides featuring gems like "Drive Alignment," "Empower Teams," and "Synergize Strategy." Garnish with stock photos of diverse people high-fiving in conference rooms.

Step 4: Blast Across All Platforms

Distribute via Teams, email, and Notion to ensure nobody knows where the "source of truth" lives. Title it "Q2 Strategic Enablement Recap." Zero opens, maximum existence.

Step 5: Auto-Generate Feedback Forms

Deploy AI form builders to create surveys asking employees to rate the "usefulness of the alignment session." Include mandatory text boxes. Reward completion with digital badges that mean nothing.

Step 6: Trigger Workflow Analysis

Funnel form results into an AI dashboard that uses sentiment analysis to conclude everyone is "cautiously optimistic." Auto-schedule a follow-up meeting to "dive deeper into these insights."

Step 7: Assign AI-Generated Tasks

Auto-create tasks in Asana, Jira, and Monday.com based on algorithmic tea-leaf reading. Assign to people who were on vacation. Each task includes deadlines, subtasks, and comment threads devoid of context.

Step 8: Monitor Everything for "Accountability"

Track mouse movements, app usage, and Slack status to "measure engagement." Flag users who take longer than five minutes to respond. Deploy a motivational bot named Nudgr to send passive-aggressive reminders.

Step 9: Compile Weekly Reports

Automatically aggregate tasks, feedback, summaries, and fabricated progress updates into beautifully formatted reports. Post to #reporting channels that exist in digital purgatory.

Step 10: Archive Into the Knowledge Base Abyss

Push everything into Confluence or SharePoint. Tag with 14 keywords and mark "important" to guarantee it vanishes forever into the void.

Step 11: Celebrate With Virtual Coffee Chats

Schedule AI-hosted Zoom rooms complete with background jazz, auto-generated praise, and deepfake avatars saying "Great job, team!" based on calendar activity rather than actual accomplishment.

Step 12: Rebrand and Restart

Take a breath. Rebrand the same initiative as "Project Phoenix" or "Next Horizon." Restart the cycle. Pretend it matters.

Escape Velocity—How AI Will Achieve Peak Bullshit Work