Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills For Turning Conflict
updated 6mo ago
updated 6mo ago
Recently, the trend has reversed. Powerful, strident children seem to dominate powerless adults. Parents who know that they do not want to repeat the patterns that governed their childhoods, but lack a better approach, have simply flipped the equation. They have negated their own needs and let the children rule.
say, “All A’s. Fantastic! You’re so smart, and we’re so proud of you.” You just took your yellow highlighter and spotlit the importance of grades. What if you wanted to highlight the value of learning? You might say, “These grades show me that you put a lot of effort into learning. What did you learn that you really loved?” Both responses celebrate
... See moreThey are beginning to define themselves as being separate from you. Seven-year-old children appear deaf to adult requests for a reason. Their entire focus is inward, as they concentrate on making sense of life. It’s easy to take children’s self-absorption personally, but in fact it is simply a necessary part of their development.
An empowered parent modeling self-control handles situations much differently than an out-of-control parent seeking to make his or her child behave. The
A second principle can help you realize just how often you are in fact focusing on what you don’t want rather than on what you do want.
Focus on what they want the child to accomplish. Celebrate the child’s successes and choices. See situations from the child’s perspective, as well as their own. Creatively teach the child how to communicate her wishes and frustrations with words, in an acceptable manner. Hold the child accountable to those teachings.
Your approach to your children’s mistakes will shape how they approach mistakes for the rest of their lives. If you blame or accuse your child (by attributing negative motives to misbehavior), you teach him that his mistakes mean that he is bad. Alternatively, you can teach your child that mistakes are just that, mistakes.
Love looks for the highest and best in people and situations. Imagine that you are having lunch with your child in a restaurant and your waitress has bungled your order. Instead of saying, “She is totally clueless, and ought to lose her job,” give her a break. Say, “We all have off days. Let’s help her by giving smiles and kind words.” Fear focuses
... See moreYour sense of self-esteem does not come from how other people see you, but from how you see other people. If you choose to see what’s missing, lacking, and not good enough, you not only inhibit change from occurring, you also destroy your sense of your own value. Feeling powerless, you are primed to blame others for your discomfort.
good enough. One decision plants the seeds of peace and the other plants the seeds of conflict. The choice is yours.