The second argument in the “What Happened?” Conversation is over intentions – yours and mine.

Don’t measure the success of the conversation by whether or not they get upset. It’s their right to be upset, and it’s a reasonable response. Better instead to go in with the purposes of giving them the news, of taking responsibility for your part in this outcome (but not more), of showing that you care about how they feel, and of trying to be

But talking about fault is similar to talking about truth — it produces disagreement, denial, and little learning. It evokes fears of punishment and insists on an either/or answer. Nobody wants to be blamed, especially unfairly, so our energy goes into defending ourselves.

the heart of good listening is authenticity. People “read” not only your words and posture, but what’s going on inside of you.

Listen Past the Accusation for the Feelings. Remember that the accusation about our bad intentions is always made up of two separate ideas: (1) we had bad intentions and (2) the other person was frustrated, hurt, or embarrassed. Don’t pretend they aren’t saying the first. You’ll want to respond to it. But neither should you ignore the second. And

As we know, one reason people argue about what happened is that the other person’s view threatens their identity.

lie outside of the communicator’s awareness, in what we call a “blind spot.” The big three blind spots are tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.

stand when engaging in a difficult conversation that requires you to deliver or enforce bad news. If you are breaking up with someone, it allows you to say “ I’m breaking up with you because it’s the right thing for me [here’s why], and I understand how hurt you are, and that you think we should try again, and I’m not changing my mind, and I

With everyone taking for granted that their own view is right, and readily assuming that others’ opposition is self-interested, progress quickly grinds to a halt. Decisions are delayed, and when finally made they are often imposed without buy-in from those who have to implement them. Relationships sour. Eventually people give up in frustration, and