Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

the question of how we each make sense of our worlds follows you like the moon in the night sky. It’s a beacon you can return to no matter where you are or with what difficult problem you are grappling.

Our stories don’t come out of nowhere. They aren’t random. Our stories are built in often unconscious but systematic ways. First, we take in information. We experience the world – sights, sounds, and feelings. Second, we interpret what we see, hear, and feel; we give it all meaning. Then we draw conclusions about what’s happening. And at each step,

The phenomenon of an internal voice and the three conversations within it seems to be a universal and fundamental aspect of being human. What does differ across cultures is whether, when, and how the internal voice is expressed.

Telling someone to change makes it less rather than more likely that they will. This is because people almost never change without first feeling understood.

Often we go through an entire conversation – or indeed an entire relationship – without ever realizing that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.

you find that a message delivery stance no longer makes sense. In fact, you may find that you no longer have a message to deliver, but rather some information to share and some questions to ask. Instead of wanting to persuade and get your way, you want to understand what has happened from the other person’s point of view, explain your point of view

It is useful to attempt to clarify your intentions. The question is when. If you do it at the beginning of the conversation, you are likely doing it without fully understanding what the other person really means to express.

Use questions when you want to learn and statements when you have something to convey. Ultimately it is the combination of assertiveness and inquiry that helps us pool our insights, learn things we didn’t know, and lay the foundation for creative and effective problem solving.

Her mistake is to assume she knows what Leo’s intentions are, when in fact she doesn’t. It’s an easy – and debilitating – mistake to make. And we do it all the time.