Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

We Apply Different Implicit Rules. Our past experiences often develop into “rules” by which we live our lives. Whether we are aware of them or not, we all follow such rules. They tell us how the world works, how people should act, or how things are supposed to be. And they have a significant influence on the story we tell about what is happening be

Taking responsibility for your contribution up front prevents the other person from using it as a shield to avoid a discussion of their own contribution.

In his provocatively titled book The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, Stanford Business School professor Robert Sutton shows readers how to deal with “bullies, creeps, jerks, tyrants, tormentors, despots, backstabbers, egomaniacs, and all the other [people]” at work who can make our lives miserable.7 Cit

At some level you know this, which is one of the big reasons asking for a raise causes anxiety. Try replacing “I think I deserve a raise” with “I’d like to explore whether a raise for me might make sense. From the information I have, I think I deserve one. [Here’s my reasoning.] I wonder how you see it?”

anytime a conversation feels difficult, it is in part precisely because it is about You, with a capital Y. Something beyond the apparent substance of the conversation is at stake for you.

The point is this: difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.

Step back and look at the problem from the perspective of a disinterested observer. Imagine that you are a consultant called in to help the people in this situation better understand why they are getting stuck. How would you describe, in a neutral, nonjudgmental way, what each person is contributing?

Beginning with “I feel . . . .” is a simple act that carries with it extraordinary benefits. It keeps the focus on feelings and makes clear that you are speaking only from your perspective.

Don’t measure the success of the conversation by whether or not they get upset. It’s their right to be upset, and it’s a reasonable response. Better instead to go in with the purposes of giving them the news, of taking responsibility for your part in this outcome (but not more), of showing that you care about how they feel, and of trying to be help