Conversations on Love: with Philippa Perry, Dolly Alderton, Roxane Gay, Stephen Grosz, Esther Perel, and many more

There are plenty of moments when we are in solitude, connected to nature or purpose or meaning, and we don’t feel lonely. There are also plenty when we are with other people and are what Vivek calls ‘emotionally alone’, as I had felt in former relationships.

What do you wish you’d known about finding love?

When it comes to self-love it’s not so much about loving yourself, but accepting that all human beings have their less impressive sides, and so your less impressive sides don’t cut you off from the possibility of having a good relationship. They don’t mean that you’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love. They just mean you are part of the hu

Alain convinced me that searching for love from a place of fear was not a good beginning to any love story. It meant motivations were often selfish – to avoid loneliness; to outsource happiness – and would lead in the wrong direction. As the psychiatrist M. Scott Peck wrote, ‘If being loved is your goal, you will fail to achieve it.’

Solitude, by contrast, is a state of peaceful aloneness … it is an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to connect to ourselves without distraction or disturbance.’

far down the line. It hasn’t always been this way: in early-nineteenth-century Germany having a good friend was seen as more important than having a lover, and much closer to the roots of happiness.

state where we feel that we deserved a different outcome. Although we cannot avoid the first pain, with gratitude

wanting a different life to the one you’re living.

To be calmer about the whole process.

Susan pointed out a useful contradiction in love: if you lose a sense of yourself as an individual it can damage a relationship, but if you can’t accept that your needs and wants are not the only story, then it will be difficult to understand your partner’s perspective.