Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Revised and Updated)

For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all you can do, it’s time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.

However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves. Although the feelings are transient and artificial, caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power. Just as a drink helps an alcoholic momentarily feel better, a rescue move momentarily distrac

It is no longer Camelot. It is no longer even person-to-person. The distortion is bizarre. I will stay because “He doesn’t beat me.” “She doesn’t run around.” “He hasn’t lost his job.” Imagine getting credit for the behaviors we ordinary mortals do as a matter of course. Even if the worst is true—even if he does beat you; even if she does run aroun

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Many of us have learned to run from closeness rather than take the risks involved. We run from love or prevent closeness in many ways. We push people away or do hurtful things to them so they won’t want to be close to us. We do ridiculous things in our minds to talk ourselves out of wanting to be close. We find fault with everyone we meet; we rejec

Sex is a way to express the love that already exists.

We are the rescuers, the enablers. We are the great godparents to the entire world, as Earnie Larsen says. We not only meet people’s needs, we anticipate them. We fix, nurture, and fuss over others. We make better, solve, and attend to. And we do it all so well. “Your wish is my command” is our theme. “Your problem is my problem” is our motto. We a

“Undependence” is a term Penelope Russianoff uses to describe that desirable balance wherein we acknowledge and meet our healthy, natural needs for people and love, yet we don’t become overly or harmfully dependent on them.

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It’s an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.