When you redefine winning, you set goals that are achievements in themselves—and success is its own reward.

Soon: Your goal should be achievable without requiring patience. Certain: Your goal should be within your control. Positive: It should be something that feels good, not just something that avoids suffering. Concrete: Measurable. You can ask Andrew, “Are you filled with joy?” and he can say yes or no. Specific: Not general, like “fill people with

Nor is it about not feeling frustrated by the persistent gap between what is and what could or should be.

story goes where science can’t.

A third caveat: Science is often expensive, and who pays for it can influence the outcome and whether or not the results are published.

The problem is the world has turned “wellness” into yet another goal everyone “should” strive for, but only people with time and money and nannies and yachts

not the same as giving yourself rewards for making progress—such rewards are counterintuitively ineffective and may even be detrimental.

Perhaps the most reliably maladaptive response to distress is “rumination.” Like a cow chewing its cud, we regurgitate our suffering over and over, gnawing on it to extract every last bit of pain. If you find your thoughts and feelings go back again and again to your suffering, ask for help.

“positive reappraisal.”2 Positive reappraisal involves recognizing that sitting in traffic is worth it. It means deciding that the effort, the discomfort, the frustration, the unanticipated obstacles, and even the repeated failure have value—not just because they are steps toward a worthwhile goal, but because you reframe difficulties as