Research findings support the exact opposite. Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does. If

Adult attachment theory teaches us that Karen’s basic assumption, that she can and should control her emotional needs and soothe herself in the face of stress, is simply wrong. She assumed the problem was that she is too needy.

genetic selection favored people who became attached because it provided a survival advantage.

Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?

It seems, then, that our partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. There is no way around that.

This means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to “turn it off” if you have an anxious attachment style.

In fact, chapter 6 describes a series of experiments that demonstrate that avoidants have attachment needs but actively suppress them.

If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until the partner does.

What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.