Arousal

In so doing, Jan reassures herself that she’s not the destructive and powerfully ruthless one—he is. No matter how strong she is, no matter how excited she gets, no matter how out of control her impulses might be, her fantasy partner will never become overwhelmed. Since he is selfishly taking exactly what he wants, Jan can be confident that he’s ha

And every day the mother would criticize her daughter’s choices. My patient felt ashamed and developed the pathogenic belief that she lacked the wherewithal to make her mother or anyone else happy.

Nancy Friday, in Men in Love—her groundbreaking book on male sexual fantasies—argues that even though most men won’t admit it, “In fantasy, men want exactly what women want: to be done to.”

We all feel guilty about something: survivor and separation guilt, guilt about having fun, about being selfish, ruthless, independent—such guilt is universal.

The relevance of transference to sexual boredom is obvious. To the extent that we unconsciously experience our partner or ourselves as similar to a parent, and to the extent that earlier parental relationships contained elements of worry, guilt, and shame (which most of our childhoods did), those feelings will enter our love life even more than the

A good sexual relationship is like a good sexual fantasy. It is exciting because it is unconsciously safe.

“It’s all right, Mom,” the boy is unconsciously saying, “I’m only pretending to be a real man.” With their guilt alleviated, however, these men can get sexually aroused in a masculine way by getting an erection.

Sometimes, of course, patients might be highly motivated to change their preferred sexual fantasies because, while they may provide pleasure, they are also accompanied by pain.

In contrast to a sex therapist, who specializes in treating sexual dysfunction, I treat people seeking help with more general life problems, from marital strife, to work inhibitions, to severe states of depression and anxiety.