For every fantasy in which one person is aroused by being degraded, hurt, or made helpless, there is someone in a complementary role doing the degrading, hurting, or dominating.

The girls are nubile and inexperienced, open to whatever the father, or father figure, can teach them. The men are therefore unconsciously reassured against the dangers of failure, of disappointing their partners in the same way that they might feel with their wives or that they might have felt with their mothers.

A final example of the power of unconscious perception and chemistry involved a man who grew up in a strict fundamentalist home and felt ashamed of his body and sexuality. He found himself drawn to women who were somewhat exhibitionistic. He unconsciously sensed that their comfort with their own bodies, with their own sexuality, would rub off on

Otto was extremely ashamed of these fantasies, not only because they seemed disloyal to his wife, but also because they made him feel like a dirty old man.

identification and bear the stamp of powerful maternal transferences. These processes can, on the one hand, be one of the pillars of an unusually deep and satisfying intimacy. On the other hand, the kinds of identification upon which this closeness is grounded can lead to a collapse of the separation and psychological distance required to sustain

He admitted, however, that when a former girlfriend once responded to the slow pace of their lovemaking by whispering, “Fuck me,” Bob felt at once both repelled and excited. He consciously abhorred “dirty” language, but he was aware that something in the experience of a woman using such language was also extremely arousing.

When Otto complained about anything, his parents would tell him that he had it better than they, and would go about their business as if Otto didn’t exist. I had never heard a description of a family that was as gray and grim as Otto’s.

He suffered from the belief that he lived only to give and not receive.

The person being dominated, whether man or woman, is unconsciously reassured that he or she is not hurting the dominant partner and is not responsible for making sure that the partner is happy. Absolved of guilt, responsibility, and worry, the submissive partner can finally “let go” and experience intense sexual pleasure.